Helping clients out of the cycle of abusive relationships

In my therapy career, I've spent the last two decades as a registered psychotherapist and supervisor for emerging therapists. My focus has been on intimate partner violence (IPV) and domestic violence (DV). As a result, I know just how much violence can be a hidden issue in relationships. For mental health practitioners, it’s essential to understand that clients reaching out for help might be facing immediate danger — hence safety planning, and crisis resources are essential alongside therapy and therapists need to be ready to connect survivors with specialized IPV services, like local helplines or shelters.

That said, all relationships go through natural cycles of tension and peaceful times. In abusive relationships, there is a lower level of respect for each other in each phase, as well as an imbalance of power and problem solving. In healthy conflict cycles, one person is not made to feel the sole responsibility or blame, nor that the problem is “all their fault.”

Although some of my clients found leaving their abusive partners difficult and emotional, they were able to recover and reclaim their lives. Others returned to their abusive partners multiple times or even entered into new abusive relationships. These clients often carry feelings of shame and embarrassment, due to their perceived inability to break the cycle of abuse. But why? What exactly makes the cycle so very hard to leave? 

Now that is a very worthy question to explore and answer. 

Adverse early childhood experiences define relationships later in life

Research demonstrates a correlation between adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) and an increased risk of abusive relationships later in life. One way this occurs is through adultification, where a child takes on adult roles in their primary relationships, often exceeding their emotional, cognitive, and psychological capacities. This can lead to internalized distorted beliefs about love, self-worth, and relational responsibility.

As adults, individuals with a history of adultification may tolerate one-sided, exploitative relationships because they associate enduring hardship with love. They may also struggle to assert boundaries or recognize manipulation, making them more susceptible to emotional abuse. Additionally, ACEs can lead to difficulty recognizing when boundaries are being overstepped, manipulated, or controlled. Repeated devaluing statements and excuses from an abusive partner can further solidify that legacy of dysfunction and emotional low points.

The cycle of abuse also includes intense highs

The highs and lows of an abusive relationship create a pattern of intermittent reinforcement, where periods of intense harm are followed by honeymoon phases filled with promises to change. Over time, this makes the abused partner feel responsible for their partner’s frustration, disappointment, and anger, leading them to try harder to "fix" the relationship.

Chasing the potential: The illusion of hope in abusive relationships

I introduce my clients to the concept of “chasing the potential” as a psychological trap in which survivors hold on to the idealized version of their partner, despite the reality of escalating abuse. Many abusive relationships begin with affection, generosity, and emotional intensity, fostering deep emotional bonds based on the potential for a good relationship, a practice referred to as love bombing. When abuse begins to escalate, small moments of kindness or remorse keep the survivor hopeful that their partner will return to being the loving person they once knew.

Mounting stress, and new stressors such as ongoing contact with an abusive partner through family or criminal court processes, can drive IPV survivors back into harmful relationships. The emotional toll and uncertainty can make the familiarity of past abuse feel like the only option. Chronic stress impairs judgment and reinforces trauma bonds, making it harder to recognize red flags and break the cycle without support. When unresolved trauma and stress converge, the cycle repeats, leaving survivors vulnerable to coercion and control in new relationships.

Potential chasing also explains some of the risks associated with new rebound relationships. Some survivors, in an effort to erase their abuser from their lives, rush into a new relationship without addressing their underlying wounds. This increases the risk of repeating harmful patterns.

Breaking the cycle by building on a sense of self

As mental health practitioners, one of the most powerful things we can offer is validation by confirming that a survivor’s experiences were harmful and serious. Many struggle to accept the reality of their abuse due to gaslighting, minimization, and societal pressure. At the same time, leaving an abusive relationship is not simply a matter of choice—external barriers such as financial constraints, legal entanglements, and safety concerns often make it incredibly difficult. Our role as therapists is not only to help survivors process their experiences but also to connect them with resources that support their safety and autonomy. Within these constraints, recognizing small acts of resistance—no matter how subtle—can be a powerful tool in rebuilding a sense of agency and self-trust.

By being inquisitive with clients about their small acts of resistance—those that challenge the forced perspectives of an abusive partner, such as gaslighting and coercive control — therapists can facilitate deeper understanding and healing. In addition, with note taking, we can track progress over time with our clients even when they are faced with ongoing and retraumatizing stressors that make them more vulnerable to returning to an abusive partner or finding themselves in new and sometimes worse abusive relationships.

Exploring small acts of resistance

Recognizing small acts of resistance can provide insight into a survivor’s journey toward healing. Paying attention and keeping track of the ways our clients resisted abuse can become a powerful tool in their personal process. 

As a therapist, this is where the nuanced skills of being present with a client and good documentation converge. I prefer a more conversational and editorial style with my IPV clients, asking narrative-style questions that uncover their own understanding of the ways they resisted the abuse. Because there is so much information to collect and unpack, I gravitate towards two ways of documenting. The first is using mapping, the second is using note-taking AI transcription software. 

Narrative questions to help uncover acts of resistance:

• When you’ve come through this experience and look back, what do you want to be able to say about yourself?
• When you look back over your relationship, where do you see acts of resistance (no matter how small)?
• ​​What is it like for you, recognizing and naming your resistance?
  
  • Did you recognize it at the time? 
  • What do you remember feeling? 
  • How do you feel about it now?

Mapping is a visual and interactive note-taking process that differs from traditional categorical notes. Using a whiteboard (or pen and paper), it identifies key themes and engages clients to externalize lingering feelings, somatic responses, core beliefs, and values, to name a few. This method effectively tracks deeper patterns and insights, and can also help clarify difficult questions like, “Why did I stay?”

While mapping is a powerful tool, it has limitations. Major themes are captured, but detailed written case notes are still necessary, potentially losing the nuanced experiences. Using audio recordings with transcription can help preserve the complexities revealed during the session.

Digital recording and AI transcription has become my preferred note-taking method. It provides quick, clean, and concise notes, which is especially important for my clients dealing with DV and IPV. Consistent, client-centered notes help me build or scaffold from past sessions. With digital note taking, whether you are using an audio recording or transcription software, make sure you have your client's consent. I like to outline how Upheal, the platform I use, collects and manages their data. I also like the customization of their note taking software through their Smart Edit features. Upheal allows me to customize journaling prompts, somatic questions, and focus on psychoeducation prompts based on our session notes.

Scaffolding new knowledge beyond the abuse

Scaffolding is a positive learning process where guidance is gradually reduced as the client builds skills and confidence in themselves. We scaffold by building on our clients’ existing knowledge. Though abuse may obscure this knowledge we can help to uncover empowering insights. 

• Journaling activities: Referring to session notes, therapists can personalize journaling or creative writing exercises to help clients uncover patterns and reinforce positive changes. This activity can be deeply personal, aiding clients in exploring their acts of resistance.
• Somatic work: Connecting emotional healing with bodily awareness involves reviewing impactful events that may have signaled danger in the past. Revisiting key points from previous sessions can help reconnect clients' bodily awareness with specific traumatic events. Through somatic awareness, we can help our clients connect with their internal sense of calm.
• Psycho-education: Learning about attachment, trauma, and relational health empowers clients to make informed decisions, placing a sense of control back in their hands. This approach reinforces new information and supports the healing process. Teaching survivors about trauma, attachment, and coercive control helps them reframe their experiences and recognize the extent of their trauma.

Journaling, somatic work, and psychoeducation help break the cycle of abuse by fostering awareness, emotional regulation, and self-worth. These tools empower survivors to recognize patterns, challenge self-blame, and rebuild their lives. 

Beyond the cycle

Healing from IPV is a journey of self-discovery, resilience, and reclaiming one’s sense of self. By providing validation, psychoeducation, and thoughtful clinical support, we empower survivors to break free from the cycle of abuse, rebuild their confidence, and establish healthier relationships. We do this through trauma-informed approaches, and our preparedness to connect survivors with specialized IPV services. By practicing effective note-taking, and compassionate presence, we help our clients not only uncover their inner strength but also redefine their narratives on their own terms. With the right support, survivors can move beyond survival and into a life of self-trust, autonomy, and fulfillment.